Unfortunately, people often use polyamory to excuse cheating, then dupe their partners into thinking it’s okay when it’s really not. A lot of people cheat before becoming aware that polyamory is an option, but end up having successful polyamorous relationships once they realise they can have multiple relationships ethically others cheat purely because they enjoy conducting their non-monogamy in a shroud of secrecy, and will not get any better at being honest with you even after opening up. There is a world of difference between identifying as polyamorous, and actually being in an ethical, polyamorous relationship. Refusing to take responsibility for past cheatingĬheating is not the same thing as polyamory, and even if you identify as polyamorous, that does not excuse any cheating you may have done in the past. Always proceed at the pace that both members feel comfortable it shouldn’t just be one person running ahead and the other struggling to catch up. It can be frustrating at times, but slowing down, checking in with your partner, and reassuring them when they need comfort can go a long way in building trust to eventually move towards a polyamorous relationship. When you’re single, you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, with whoever you want, but when you’re in a relationship, your partner’s needs and expectations must be taken into consideration. Rushing into it before your partner is ready, failing to set and adhere to boundaries, and not paying attention to your partner’s feelings in the process are all huge red flags.Īn important thing to remember is that being polyamorous is not the same as being single. Opening up from a monogamous relationship is a process that can take months to years, and requires a lot of honest and in-depth conversations with your partner. Spoiler alert: just because a woman (usually) doesn’t have a dick, it doesn’t mean she can’t steal your girl. (The reverse of this, a One Vagina Policy, also happens but is less common.) This is toxic in three ways: it is misogynistic because it is often based on the subconscious belief that men ‘own’ their women it is homophobic because the man does not see relationships or sex between women as ‘real’ or valid, and therefore unthreatening and it is transphobic because it focuses needlessly on banning other people with penises from touching your partner. This is most frequently seen between couples made up of a straight man and bisexual woman, where the man demands that the bisexual woman can only have other female partners, but no male partners, because they perceive men as a threat, but not women. You are the only person who gets to choose what relationship dynamic you want, not your partner – and whatever freedoms or responsibilities your partner gets, you also get.Īnother common way this red flag crops up is through One Penis Policies. Of course, if you voluntarily choose to only have one partner while they seek others, and are happy with the arrangement, that’s completely fine – but a partner imposing this on you often suggests that they want all the benefits of polyamory while not wanting to do the work it requires, such as processing jealous emotions. If your partner is demanding that you remain exclusive to them while they are free to have other partners, that’s a big red flag. What’s good for the goose, is good for the gander. involuntary mono-poly, or One Penis Policies In addition to this list, I would also recommend you look for general relationship red (and green!) flags, but this list directly addresses problems that can only happen in polyamorous relationships. Here is a list of relationship red flags that are specific to polyamory to help you stay vigilant in your own open relationships. Unfortunately, given the lack of education on how to do polyamory in a healthy way, many people abuse the label “polyamorous” and use it as an excuse for flat-out terrible behaviour. EDIT JULY 2023: I was interviewed on the Sex & Psychology podcast about this article (a whole 2.5 years after writing it!) and you can hear an expansion of my opinions in this article as well some of my more nuanced points.Ī significant number of polyamorous and ethically non-monogamous people try to claim that polyamory is an “enlightened” or “evolved” form of doing relationships, but the truth is that there are crappy people in any relationship dynamic.
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